"You need a joke"

[keehn]

I moved my own thread from the MKIII forum over into General VW Discussions. Figure more people might get a chuckle from my jokes. Feel free to add your own as well. I started a joke thread so people don't have to start new threads every time they wanted to post a joke.

Enjoy.

Mike


*Original post*

I figured to lighten the mood around here, I'll share some jokes I've had in my inbox for quite some time. I'll come back and add more periodically (as long as the mods don't mind). Everybody else, feel free to post your own jokes as well.

Enjoy.

This is the true story of George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi, who was going to bed when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the shed. George opened the door to go turn off the light but saw there were people in the shed in the process of stealing things.

He immediately phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?" and George said no and explained the situation. Then they explained that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be there when available.

George said, "Okay," hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now because I've just shot them all."

Then he hung up. Within five minutes three squad cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the policemen said to George: "I thought you said that you'd shot them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"



A Cop pulled a car over for speeding.

When the Cop asked the driver why he was traveling 95mph, the driver answered that he was a juggler on his way to do a show for a birthday party and didn't want to be late.

The Cop told the driver he was fascinated by juggling, and if the driver would do a little juggling for him that he wouldn't give him a ticket.

The driver told the Cop that he had sent all of his equipment on ahead and didn't have anything to juggle.

The Cop told him that he had some flares in the trunk of his patrol car, and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler stated that he could, so the Cop got three flares, lit them and handed them to the juggler.

While the man was doing his juggling act, a car pulled in behind the patrol car.

A drunk got out, watched the performance briefly, went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The Cop observed him doing this, and went over to the patrol car, opened the door and asked the drunk what he thought he was doing.

The drunk replied, "You might as well haul my butt to jail, cause there's NO way I’ll pass that test."




A policeman was sitting on the hard shoulder watching the traffic go by when a car zoomed past him doing at least 120 mph!

The policeman chased him down, and pulled the car over. He went up to the car and asked, "Do you know that you were doing at least 50 mph over the speed limit?"

The driver replied, "Was I officer, I'm terribly sorry but I wasn't aware of that."

The policeman said, "May I see your drivers license please?"

The man replied, "I don't have one officer."

"Of course you do," said the policeman.

"No sir, I don't," said the man.

"So why do you have this car?" asked the policeman.

"This is not my car, I stole it," said the man.

"You are driving a stolen car?" said the policeman.

"Yes I'm afraid so sir,"

Looking puzzled the policeman said, "Let me see the registration, so we can find out who it belongs to."

The man said, "There is nothing in the glove compartment except some candy, oh, and my gun."

"Your gun!" exclaimed the officer, clearly worried by this point, as this man was obviously a lunatic.

"So you don't have a drivers license, you stole this car, and there is a gun in the glove compartment!"

"Yes sir," said the man, "Oh and a body in the trunk."

"WHAT!!" said the policeman turning white, "Ok so you have no drivers license, you have stolen this car, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk?"

"Yes," said the man, sounding slightly irritated.

"Look," said the policeman, "You wait right here and don't touch anything! Don�t move, don�t even breathe."

So the policeman ran to his car and radioed the station, "I want to speak to the chief," said the policeman, "And quick!"

He waited about a minute and the chief came on the line, "What is it," he said.

"I've got a man here, he is a complete lunatic he has very calmly stated that he is driving a stolen car, he has no drivers license, there is a gun in the glove compartment, and a body in the trunk," said the policeman.

"I'll be right there," said the chief.

In ten minutes the man and the car were surrounded. There was the chief of police, a swat team, everybody you could imagine.

The chief walks slowly to the car in his bulletproof vest and says to the driver, "Hello sir, may I see your drivers license?"

"Of course," said the man, and produced it from his back pocket.

Looking puzzled, the chief asked, "Is this your car?"

"Yes," said the man.

"Can I see your registration please sir?" asked the chief.

The man leaned over to open the glove compartment.

"Please don't open it sir!" said the chief.

"Why?" asked the man, "I thought you wanted my registration."

"I do," said the chief, "But there is a gun in there."

"Don't be silly," said the man, and he opened the glove compartment, empty apart from some candy.

"Let me get this right," said the chief, "You have a drivers license, this is your car and there is no gun in the glove compartment."

"Yes," said the man,

"And there is no body in the trunk, I suppose," said the chief.

"BODY!" exclaimed the man, "Why on earth would I have a body in my trunk?"

"Sir I apologize for this, but my officer told me that you had no drivers license, you had stolen this car, you were in possession of a gun, and a body in the trunk."

"The lying fool, said the man, "I bet he said I was speeding to!"

[truefire04]

now thats some funny ish there....

[keehn]

A man's wife comes up to him one night and she tells him that she knows he has been selling himself for sex and wants to know how much he has made...so he replies $8.10... $8.10!!! She exclaimed...what hussy paid you 10 cents, to which he replied....all of them!

[keehn]

One day there was this man that went to a beach completely naked even though the beach was a non-nude beach.

But the man thought and thought looking around. Nobody is here so he doesn't care. He takes off his towel and lays down with a newspaper to cover his privates just in case.

Soon comes a little girl that asks "Sir, what's under the newspaper?"

The man replies with "it's a birdy and never ever touch it."

He soon falls asleep.

Later on when he wakes up, he's in the hospital feeling immense pain around his private area. The doctors ask what happened and all he could remember was the girl at the beach.

Later on the cops arrive at her house asking what she had done. She said "well I was playing with the birdy but then it spit this white stuff at me. I got really mad. So I broke it's neck, stepped on it's eggs, and burned it's nest."

[keehn]

LEARNING TO SPEAK



A man walks into a doctors office and puts a note on the table in front of the doctor. The note says: 'I can't talk, help me!'

The doctor thinks for a while and says to the man, "Put your dick on the table here."

The man thinks this is a bit weird but does as the doctor said anyway.

The doctor takes a rubber hammer (which is usually used to test someone's reflexes) and hits the poor man's dick with it as hard as he can.

The man cries in great agony, "AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA.....!"

The doctor just says, "Good, come again tomorrow and we'll learn B!"

[96GTIVR6]

LOL...those are all pretty good...

[sdhelzer]

keehan,

Please keep it up!!!

One hell of a lot better than wading through some of the porn, electronics for sale and other just not relevant posts which don't belong on this forum.

[Musicmaster]

i must admit keehn after taking the times to read these jokes they are pretty good....

[keehn]

A man was telling his co-worker one day that the company was transferring him to Chicago. He explained that he was going to quit before he had to move there.

When asked why, he replied that he was just too afraid of all the crime even though he would be passing up a big salary increase and greater benefits.

His co-worker said to reconsider and that Chicago was a magnificent city, with world class museums, loaded with a great history, sites, close to Canada, good public transportation, etc.

Then he said: "Why I myself worked in Chicago for almost 10 years and in all that time I never ever had a problem with crime while I was working."

The first asked, "What did you do there?"

To which the other replied, "I was tail-gunner on a bread truck."

[keehn]

Alright guys, if you don't mind raunchy jokes, then read on. To all others, you have been warned...


There's a man who has a fifty inch long pe nis. But he can't get any sex, because every woman who sees it faints at the sight. So he goes to the doctor and begs him to shorten it. But the doctor refuses--he can't shorten a perfectly good pe nis, he tells the man. But he does happen to know a witch who lives in the forest. She might be able to help.

Because he's so desperate he decides he'll go and see her, though of course he thinks it's all a bit odd. But he sets off into the forest and sure enough finds the witch sitting in front of her cottage casting spells. "Witch", he says, "please help me, I have a fifty inch long pe nis and no one will have sex with me!"

She takes one look at his massive co ck and then says, "You do need my help. But you must go into the forest and find the magic frog who lives in the pond. Ask him to marry you, and each time he refuses, your pe nis will shrink by ten inches!"

Weird though this is, the man is desperate, so off he goes into the forest. And sure enough, he finds the magic frog singing quietly to itself.

"Froggy," he shouts, "please marry me!" The frog looks up annoyed. "No!" he croaks, "I can't do that, seeing as how I'm a frog and you're a man." The man looks down--sure enough, his pe nis has shrunk by ten inches. It's still a bit long for sex, he thinks, at forty inches, but he's delighted, so he shouts back at the frog: "Oh, go on, please marry me!"

"No--I told you once!" the frog croaks, "I can't do that!" The man looks down--sure enough, his pe nis has shrunk by ten inches again! It's now only thirty inches long. The man thinks this is wonderful but, still, another ten inches off would be perfect.

"Frog," he roars across the pond, "please marry me!" The frog looks extremely annoyed, shakes his head and shouts, "NO...........NO...AND FOR THE LAST TIME........NO!"

[keehn]

A young couple decided to wed. As the big day approached, they grew apprehensive. Each had a problem they had never before shared with anyone, not even each other.

The Groom-to-be, overcoming his fear, decided to ask his father for advice. "Father," he said, "I am deeply concerned about the success of my marriage. I love my fiancée, very much, but you see, I have very smelly feet, and I'm afraid that my future wife will be put off by them."

"No problem," said dad, "all you have to do is wash your feet as often as possible, and always wear socks, even to bed."

Well, to him this seemed a workable solution.

The bride-to-be, overcoming her fear, decided to take her problem to her mom.

"Mom," she said, "When I wake up in the morning my breath is truly awful."

"Honey," her mother consoled, "everyone has bad breath in the morning."

"No, you don't understand. My morning breath is so bad, I'm afraid that my new husband will not want to sleep in the same room with me."

Her mother said simply, "Try this. In the morning, get straight out of bed, and head for the bathroom and brush your teeth. The key is, not to say a word until you've brushed your teeth. Not a word," her mother affirmed.

Well, she thought it was certainly worth a try.

The loving couple were finally married in a beautiful ceremony. Not forgetting the advice each had received, he with his perpetual socks and she with her morning silence, they managed quite well. That is, until about six months later.

Shortly before dawn, the husband wakes with a start to find that one of his socks had come off. Fearful of the consequences, he frantically searches the bed.

This, of course, woke his bride and without thinking, she immediately asks, "What on earth are you doing?"

"Oh, no!" he gasped in shock, "You've swallowed my sock!"

[96GTIVR6]

no need to let keeh have all the fun

There was this couple who had been married for 50 years. They were sitting at the breakfast table one morning when the old gentleman said to his wife, "Just think, honey, we've been married for 50 years."

"Yeah," she replied, "Just think, fifty years ago we were sitting here at this breakfast table together."

"I know," the old man said, "We were probably sitting here naked as Jaybirds fifty years ago."

"Well," Granny giggled, "What do you say...should we get naked?" Where upon the two stripped to the buff and sat down at the table. "You know, honey," the little old lady breathlessly replied," My nipples are as hot for you today as they were fifty years ago."

"I wouldn't be surprised," replied Gramps. "One's in your coffee"

[keehn]

That's the spirit GTI!

Alright, time for MY joke:

It's the year 2022 and Mike and Maureen land on Mars after accumulating enough frequent flier miles. The first thing they see is a Martian couple. Mike and Maureen naturally want to know how they have sex. She goes straight to the point: "So, how do you guys do it?' asks Maureen? "Like you do, I think," says the male Martian, "but maybe we'd better check it out to be sure!" So, after some discussion, they all agree to swap partners for one night.

Maureen and the male Martian go off to a bedroom where the Martian strips. He's got only a tiny pe nis about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thick. "I don't think this is going to work," says Maureen, disappointed beyond belief. The male Martian looks puzzled. "Why not?" he asks, "What's the matter?" "Well", she replies, It's just not long enough to go inside me!"

"No problem," he says and starts to slap his forehead with his hand. With each slap, his c0ck grows till it's actually pretty long. "Well," she says, "that's very impresive, but it's still quite narrow...." "No problem," says the male Martian, and he starts pulling his ears. With each pull, his c0ck grows wider and wider until it's huge!.."Wow!" shouts Maureen, before they fall into bed and make mad, passionate love.

Next day, the two couples rejoin their normal partners and go their separate ways. As they walk along, Mike says to Maureen, "Well, was it any good?'

"I hate to say it," replies Maureen, "but it was pretty wonderful. How about you?"

"It was horrible," says Mike, "all I got was a terrible headache. She just kept slapping my forehead and pulling my ears."

[keehn]

I can't let this thread go on without a blonde joke. So here goes...


When the employees of a restaurant attended a fire safety seminar, they watched a fire official demonstrate the proper way to operate an extinguisher.

"Pull the pin like a hand grenade," he explained, "then depress the trigger to release the foam."

Later a blonde employee was selected to extinguish a controlled fire in the parking lot. In her nervousness, she forgot to pull the pin.

The instructor hinted, "Like a hand grenade, remember?"

In a burst of confidence she pulled the pin .... and hurled the extinguisher at the blaze.

[keehn]

A blond was driving home when it started to rain hard. A couple of minutes later she found herself caught in a hailstorm and her car took a real beating.

The next day she took it to the body shop and the guy was straight out with hail damaged cars and didn't need another one just then. He took one look at hers and said,"you don't need me, just go home and blow in the tailpipe and all those dents will pop out."

So off to home goes our blond and parks in the drivway. She got out and went around to the tailpipe and started blowing for all she was worth.

Her neighbor, another blond, saw what she was doing and came over to ask what was up. The first blond explained what the body shop guy had said.

The neighbor looked at her and said"DUH! Thats never going to work"

The first asked "why not?"

The neighbor looked at her and said" Because you've got to close the windows"