"You need a joke"

[keehn]

One day a guy dies and finds himself in hell. As he is wallowing in despair he has his first meeting with a demon...

Demon: Why so glum chum?
Guy: What do you think? I'm in hell.
Demon: Hell's not so bad. We actually have a lot of fun down here...you a drinkin' man?
Guy: Sure, I love to drink. Love the drinks.
Demon: Well you're gonna love Mondays then. On Mondays that's all we do is drink. Whiskey, tequila, Guinness, wine coolers, diet tab, and fresca...we drink till we throw up and then we drink some more!
Guy: Gee that sounds great.

Demon: You a smoker?
Guy: You better believe it! Love the smoking.
Demon: Alright! You're gonna love Tuesdays. We get the finest cigars from all over the world and smoke our lungs out. If you get cancer - no biggie - you're already dead remember?
Guy: Wow...that's...awesome!

Demon: I bet you like to gamble.
Guy: Why yes as a matter of fact I do. Love the gambling.
Demon: Cause Wednesday you can gamble all you want. Craps, Blackjack, Roulette, Poker, Slots, whatever... If you go Bankrupt...well you're dead anyhow.

Demon: You into drugs?
Guy: Are you kidding? Love drugs! You don't mean...
Demon: That's right! Thursday is drug day. Help yourself to a great big bowl of crack. or smack. Smoke a doobie the size of a submarine. You can do all the drugs you want and if ya overdose - that's right - you're dead - who cares! O.D.!!
Guy: Yowza! I never realized Hell was such a swingin' place!!

Demon: You gay?
Guy: Uh no.

Demon: Ooooh (grimaces) you're really gonna hate Fridays.

[keehn]

Back in the old Wild West, there were two blonde cowpokes, Jeff and Dave. One day, the two were enjoying a strong sarsaparilla in the local saloon, when a man walked into the bar with an Indian's head under his arm.

The barman shakes his hand and says, "I hate Indians; last week the bastards burnt my barn to the ground, assaulted my wife and killed my children." He then says, "If any man brings me the head of an Indian, I'll give him one thousand dollars."

The two blondes looked at each other and walked out of the bar to go hunting for an Indian. They were walking around for a while when suddenly they saw one; Jeff threw a rock which hit the Indian right on the head.

The Indian fell off his horse, but landed seventy feet down a ravine. The two nuts made their way down the ravine where Dave pulled out a knife to claim their trophy.

Suddenly, Jeff said, "Dave, take a look at this." Dave replied, "Not now, I'm busy."

Jeff tugged him on the shoulder and says, "I really think you should look at this."

Dave said, "Look, you can see I'm busy. There's a thousand dollars in my hand."

But Jeff was adamant. "Please, Dave, take a look at this."

So Dave looked up and saw that standing at the top of the ravine were five thousand red Indians.

Dave just shook his head and said, "Oh . . . my . . . God . . .. we're going to be millionaires!"

[keehn]

Now, I know this isn't a military forum, but since I am currently active duty and get military-themed jokes from time to time. I though I would share some with everybody here who can cross the line and laugh (same with how some people can laugh at Dilbert yet, have never worked in an office before).



A new retiree greeter at Wal-Mart just couldn't seem to get to work on time. Every day he was 5, 10, 15 minutes late. But he was a good worker, real sharp, so the boss was in a quandary about how to deal with it.

Finally, one day he called him into the office for a talk. "Charley, I have to tell you, I like your work ethic, you do a bang up job, but
being late so often is quite bothersome."

"Yes, I know boss, and I am working on it."

"Well good, you are a team player. That's what I like to hear. It's odd though, your coming in late. I know you're retired from the Air Force.
What did they say if you came in late there?"

'They said, "Good morning, General."

[keehn]

Life as an egg:


So you think your life is bad.

Just think how bad the life of the egg is...

You only get laid once!

You only get eaten once!

It takes 4 minutes to get hard

2 minutes to get soft

You have to share a box with 11 other guys

And the only chick who ever sat on your face was your mother.


(Now don't you feel better)

[keehn]

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room while their wives were in labor. The nurse arrived and proudly announced to the first man, "Congratulations, sir. You're the father of twins!"

"What a coincidence! I work for the Minnesota Twins Baseball team!"

Later the nurse returned and congratulated the second father on the birth of his triplets.

"Wow! That's incredible! I work for the 3M Corporation."

An hour later, the nurse returned to congratulate the third man on the
birth of his quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply, "I don't believe it! I work for the Four Seasons Hotel!"

After this, everyone turned to the fourth guy who had just fainted. The nurse rushed to his side. As he slowly gained consciousness, they could hear him mutter over and over, "I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job at 7-Eleven. I should never have taken that job...."

[keehn]

Once there was a man who loved baked beans. He would eat up to 5 and sometimes 6 plates at a time, but that always be followed with smelly, loud, stinky gas.

One day he met a beautiful lady and decided to talk to her. They started seeing each other.

Since he did not want her to smell his nasty gas after eating beans, he made the sacrifice, and stopped eating them. One year later they were married.

On his birthday, the next year, he was coming home from work, when suddenly his car broke down.

He called his wife to tell her what had happened, and also to let her know that he would be home a little late. She said she understood, but to hurry, because she had a surprise for him.

On his way he saw a diner and smelled baked beans cooking inside. Since he had to walk 6 miles to get home, he figured that by the time he got there all the smelly gas would be gone.

He went in and ate 7 bowls of baked beans. On his way back home, he was farting nasty and smelly
gas.

Finally he got home and on the door his wife had hung a blind fold for him to wear, so he
wouldn't peek.

She sat him at the table, when all of a sudden the phone rang. She made him promise he wouldn't peek until she got back.

Unfortunately, his gas came back and he couldn't hold it in any longer. Since she was taking so long, he decided to let it go.

He picked up his leg and let it rip. It smelled so bad; he had to get a napkin and fan so she wouldn't smell it.

He wanted to fart again, so he once again picked up his leg, but this time it was so loud and smelly, that it shook the windows and killed the flowers.

After a couple of more farts his wife finally got off the phone, so he stopped.

When she took the blind fold off to his surprise, there were 12 guests seated at the table.

[96GTIVR6]

aaahahahaha

[keehn]

I've seen this joke in several forms before, but I'll share the one I got. For those who don't understand the military, a junior officer is someone who just joined and is rather green. A Chief on the other hand is an enlisted Sailor who's been in for many years The junior officers look up to them as mentors even though they outrank Chiefs.

NAVY NEWS "CHIEF PETTY OFFICER SAVES JUNIOR OFFICER"

A U.S.N. Chief Petty Officer Saves The Life of a
Junior Officer During Horse-Back Riding Mishap

Yet another unselfish act of heroism performed by a man wearing
Anchors:

A young Ensign decides to try horseback riding, even though
he has had no lessons or prior experience. He mounts the horse,
unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into action. As it gallops
along at a steady and rhythmic pace, the ENS begins to slip from the
saddle. In terror, he grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot get a firm
grip. He tries to throw his arms around the horse's neck, but he slides
down the side of the horse anyway!

The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping
rider. Finally, losing his frail grip, the ENS attempts to leap away
from the horse and throw himself to safety. Unfortunately, his foot
becomes entangled in the stirrup, and he is now at the mercy of the
horse's pounding hooves as his head is struck against the ground over
and over and over.

As his head is battered against the ground and he is mere
moments away from unconsciousness, to his great fortune, a Chief
shopping at Wal-Mart, sees him and unplugs the horse.

[keehn]

A mother and father take their 5-year old son to a nude beach. As the boy walks along the sand, he notices that many of the women have boobs bigger than his mother's, so he asked his mother why.
She tells her son, "The bigger they are, the sillier the lady is."

The boy, pleased with the answer, goes to play in the ocean but returns to tell his mother that many of the men have larger things than his dad does.

She replies, "The bigger THEY are, the dumber the man is."

Again satisfied with her answer, the boy goes back to the ocean to play.

Shortly thereafter, the boy returns again, and promptly tells his mother:

"Daddy is talking to the silliest lady on the beach, and the longer he talks, the dumber he gets."

[keehn]

A woman places an ad in the local paper:
Wanted:

A man who will not hit me, kick me and must be a good lover.

Well, a few days later her doorbell rings, she answers it and there is a man there in a wheelchair. She asks the man if she can help him. He says he is there to answser her ad in the paper. She says , How can you help me?

He says, well I have no arms so I can't hit you, and I have no legs so I can't kick you.

She says, what about the lover part? He says, I rang the doorbell didn't I?

[keehn]

Fifteen minutes into the flight from Kansas City to Toronto, the captain announced, "Ladies and gentlemen, one of our engines has failed. There is nothing to worry about. Our flight will take an hour longer than scheduled, but we still have three engines left."

Thirty minutes later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and the flight will take an additional two hours. But don't worry. We can fly just fine on two engines."

An hour later the captain announced, "One more engine has failed and our arrival will be delayed another three hours. But don't worry. We still have one engine left."

A young blonde passenger turned to the man in the next seat and remarked, "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day!"

[truefire04]

thats some funny stuff keehn

[keehn]

Another military joke...

While talking to a potential recruit, the military recruiter said, "Exactly what kind of job are you looking for in the military?"

The high school kid said, "I'm looking for something with an enlistment bonus of about $20,000, where I won't have to work too hard, and won't have to deploy overseas.

The recruiter said, "Well, what if I could hook you up with a skill that allowed you to come straight in as an E-7, where you'll only work weekdays, and you can have the base of your choice and stay there as long as you want?"

The young recruit sat up straight and said, "Wow! Are you kidding?"

The recruiter replied, "Yeah, but you started it."

[keehn]

HOW TO ANNOY YOUR MILITARY ROOMMATE (works for civilians too)

1. Smoke jimson weed. Do whatever comes naturally.
2. Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at work.

3. Twitch a lot.

4. Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.

5. Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it. Talk to them.

6. Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.

7. Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.

8. Speak in tongues.

9. Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.

10. Walk and talk backwards.

11. Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.

12. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

13. Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo Man," Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.

14. Collect all your urine in a small jug.

15. Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.

16. Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.

17. Ask your roommate if your girfriend/boyfriend can move in "just for a couple of weeks."

28. Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.

19. Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

20. Eat glass.

21. Smoke ballpoint pens.

22. Smile. All the time.

23. Collect dog crap in baby food jars. Sort them according to what you think the dog ate.

24. Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.

25. Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food, and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.

26. Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.

27. Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.

28. Dye all your underwear lime green.

29. Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.

30. Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.

31. Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's locker. Accuse him/her of stealing it.

32. Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.

33. Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.

34. Array thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.

35. Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.

36. Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.

37. Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.

38. Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.

39. Always flush the toilet three times.

40. Give him/her an allowance.

41. Listen to radio static.

42. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

43. Speak into a walkie-talkie in trucker's terms.

44. Divide the floor into an 8 X 8 grid. Arrange piles of laundry, books, pizza boxes, etc. on the glid and tell your roommate that youUve turned the room into a chess game and not to move any of the piles.

45. Cover one of the walls with polaroids of fire hydrants from all over the city. Tell your roommate that you think that you were a dog in a former life. Stare lovingly at the photos, and make frequent trips to the bathroom.

46. Get a small, battery-operated clock which ticks very loudly. Put it in a briefcase and put the briefcase next to your roommate's bed.

47. Expound upon the importance of good personal hygiene. Wear rubber gloves and a surgical mask in the room.

48. Eat an entire bag of cheese curls at once. When you are finished, see how many times you can make orange fingerprints from all of the cheese junk left on your fingers.

49. Come home from work with a bucket of plaster of paris. Paint a section of the ceiling with it, and plaster your roommate's underwear to the stuff. When your roommate comes in and comments, tell him/her, "Sorry, I was doing your laundry, and I sneezed."

50. Wear the most obnoxious orange hat that you can find. Convince you roommate and everybody else that if they do not wear an orange hat, they will be hit by stray bullets.

51. Point west at 3 AM every night and yell, "It came from that way."

52. Walk around in circles all the time. Complain that your turn signal is stuck.

53. Whenever your roommate is out, turn the volume on his stereo ALL THE WAY UP. When he turns on his stereo, complain hysterically about the noise and his lack of courtesy.

[keehn]

A Scotsman walking down the street sees a woman with perfect breasts. He
says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me bite your breasts for $100?

"Are you nuts?!!!" she replies, and keeps walking away.

"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000 dollars?" he asks again.

"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"

"Would you let me bite your breasts just once for $10,000 dollars?"

She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmm, $10,000 dollars - Ok,
just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."

So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the
most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs
them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them,
licking them, burying his face in them, but not biting them.

The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, "Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?"

"Nah", says the Scotsman... "Costs too much..."